Dude, where's my AI?
by Halo Authority
Summary: The Human-Covenant war has been over for 2 years. The date is December 17, 2555. A certain Spartan is now a police officer with a headache...R&R!
1. Prologue

Prologue  
  
Bonjour 0.0, this is Halo Authority.duh. I am writing this prologue to discuss my SEEMING  
  
mischaracterization of Spartan-117 John. The reason that he seems out of character is because he actually has a  
  
hangover o.o. You would act different if you were stoned, so don't complain :P. As for Jenikns.He's a different  
  
Jenkins than the one you're thinking so :P. Um, I might type some more - but I won't. Read my story I think you'll  
  
like it cuz' it's good 0.0. I will try to update as often as possible. 


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer ***Well, I wish I owned the Master Chief, Cortana, or Halo in its entirety, but I don't - besides the Master Chief would probably own me ^.^, but I do own Jenkins - because this isn't the Jenkins you're thinking of, so back  
off***  
  
Chapter one  
  
"Shit," cried The Master Chief. He felt like someone had mauled him with a hammer. He couldn't  
  
remember a thing from last night and he felt sick. He lifted himself out of his bed, staggered into the living room of  
  
his tiny apartment and collapsed onto the couch. He found his roommate Jenkins wide-awake watching Alien  
  
Universe. A show that teaches children about alien species. Jenkins eyes were glued to the holo panel; he took no notice of the chief. The Chief though for a moment, then said,  
  
"Jenkins, do you usually watch that show? I thought it was for kids."  
  
"Are you kidding? There's a grunt special today. I only got to kill one in the entire war. Isn't it cool to have a first  
  
hand experience of fighting real aliens?" Said Jenkins. The Chief Twitched at the word grunt. "Jenkins I don't think you understand what you're talking about, you're very lucky you only had to kill one  
  
of those little bastards" His eye twitched when he thought about the sneaky little devils. Jenkins stared vacantly at  
  
The Chief. "Anyway Jenkins do you remember what happened yesterday - because I don't remember any thing. My  
  
head feels pretty bad. This clock says it's Wednesday and all I remember is Monday.  
  
Everything else is blank," said the Chief."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Oh for the love of god.look, just tell me if you remember anything from yesterday." said the chief in an  
  
agitated voice. The Chief realized that Jenkins must have sustained a serious concussion.not much different from  
  
himself. "Well you said you couldn't remember any thing from Tuesday, and neither do I, so I guess I'm in the  
  
same boat as you. I don't remember anything from yesterday." The Chief thought for a moment.  
  
"Alright then, the answer is simple, all we have to - wait.where the hell is Cortana?" said Chief, staring at  
  
her usually occupied chip slot located at the bottom of the holo panel." "Hey, did you know that grunts breathe methane?" exclaimed Jenkins. The Chief paused for a long time.  
  
"Yes, Jenkins, I do. Now, where is Cortana?"  
  
"Holy crap Chief, Cortana is gone!" The Chief slapped Jenkins.  
  
"So you don't know either. well, it seems we have to problems here. First and most importantly, where is  
  
Cortana - if she falls into the wrong hands." the Chief didn't want to think about that. "second, where  
  
were we last night, and finally, why do I have a headache?" "Dude Chief, that's three problems,"  
  
"Jenkins Shut up. I have enough trouble thinking at all with my head in this condition. Anyway we have  
  
to start with something.and I think if we get to the bottom of our mysterious whereabouts yesterday, we  
  
may fin Cor- Jenkins what in the hell are you doing?" said The Chief, suddenly noticing that Jenkins was sniffing  
  
the air around him with heavy concentration.  
  
"This show says that when grunts exhale, they release a mild toxin that smells like rotting apples.do think  
  
there are any nearby?" The Chief readied another slap, but his headache was bad enough, and wasting his strength  
  
on Jenkins was useless.  
  
"Jenkins, just follow me." He exited the room, Jenkins following reluctantly behind. After navigating  
  
through a maze of corridors and elevators, which complied the colossal apartment building, located within the heart  
  
of New York City. The Chief and Jenkins finally came to a large parking garage. Chief noticed something very  
  
important was missing. "Dude, where the hell is our car Chief?" asked Jenkins.  
  
"Damn, I have a feeling this had something to do with yesterday." Thought Chief aloud. "Jenkins, it looks  
  
like the squad car has been stolen, we'll have to phone the station and get another car out here, and while we're at it  
  
we can report our situation. He walked over to the vidphone located on the wall next to a nearby elevator. Just as he  
  
reached out to dial the station though, the phone exploded.  
  
"Shit!" 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter two  
  
"Shit!" The Chief looked around quickly, he hadn't said that. Jenkins had fallen over, it had probably  
  
been-  
"Shit, shit, shit! I told you I should have shot him, Christ Robert you suck with that thing.Oh crap where  
  
is he-OW!" thug number 1, as Chief has already labeled him, went down with a painful punch to the back to the  
  
head. Robert, the one toting the abnormally large sniper rifle, immediately dropped his weapon. Before he, or  
  
anyone else for that matter, could get a word in, Jenkins interrupted.  
  
"Holy shit Chief, the phone exploded,"  
  
"Shut up Jenkins-" but the Chief was interrupted as his lightning reflexes detected a weak punch coming at  
  
him, he dodged it and punched Robert square in the jaw, at the same time planting his foot on the slowly rising thug  
  
number one's face. "Alright you two, what the hell are you doing trying to kill a police officer?" said Chief.  
  
"Hey your not a cop, don't try and fool us." Said thug number one. The Chief was puzzled for a moment,  
  
then realized he was not wearing his uniform, having forgotten it in the apartment.  
  
"Look son, just tell me what's going on here, before I break your neck."  
  
"Holy shit Chief, that guy tried to shoot-"  
  
"Look Jenkins I know," said the Chief with an agitated voice. He was going to have to get Jenkins to a  
  
hospital. Before he could think any further though, something thumped into the back of his neck. The last thing he  
  
heard before blacking out was:  
  
"And that gentlemen, is how you bag yourselves a Canadian Carnie."  
  
The Chief awoke with a worse headache then he had had earlier.  
  
"Mother of - what.where am I?" He hadn't expected an answer, but he got one.  
  
"Shut up you damn carnie." Said the same young voice he had heard seemingly just seconds before.  
  
"What, what the hell is a carnie-"  
  
"Don't play dumb, we know who you are - you're the infamous leader of the traveling Canadian Circus-"  
  
"Canadians!? What the hell makes you think I'm a godamn Canadian? I'm afraid you've got-" The Chief  
  
was rudely interrupted by a heavy object striking his temples. This only increased his rage though, and he suddenly  
  
snapped the ropes holding him in place. He had been seated in a chair and blindfolded, and was now neither and had  
  
his right arm around his interrogator's neck.  
"Now listen up Junior, first of all I'm not Canadian, and I have no idea how you made that  
  
mistake.second-"  
"Ahhhh! Good god don't do it! Chief, help me, god help me!"  
  
"Christ," said Chief, blocking a feeble blow from his captive, who had turned out to be younger than he'd  
  
expected, maybe in his early twenties. He was sporting dirty brown hair and was fairly athletic, and almost reminded  
  
The Chief of himself. There was no time to dwell on this though, he had-  
  
"ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" -Jenkins to worry about.  
  
"Come on, scumbag,' he said to his captive, and he took the nearest exit out of the brightly illuminated  
  
room, towards the sounds of Jenkins's voice. As he walked through the hallway beyond, his former interrigator  
  
began to yell something. Immediately two guards entered the hallway from opposite ends. Both were toting  
  
incredibly menacing sniper rifles, same as the ones he'd seen on Robert.  
  
"Shit," The Chief used the interrogator as a human shield and ducked, causing the unfortunate shield to be  
  
struck by both.darts.  
  
"Only darts?" thought The Chief aloud as he dropped the shield and dashed into the nearest door. "So they  
  
want me alive-"  
  
"Chief thank god you're here - get this bastard away from me!" cried a very scared looking Jenkins.  
  
"Shit!" 


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
"Shit!" This time it was the Chief who had cursed, and for good reason. Jenkins was being tortured by  
  
Robert and thug number one, who were attempting to feed him what looked like a large wedge of.cheese?  
  
"What in the name of all that is sacred is going on here?" demanded Chief.  
  
"Chief holy crap you have got to help me-" he was cut off by thug number one,  
  
"Shaddup you friggen carnie - you," he pointed to the Chief. "What the Fuc-" he was down with one punch  
  
before he could finish his sentence, and while doing so, the Chief squeezed a little hard on his interrogator and  
  
knocked him out.  
  
"Oops," he said nonchalantly as he freed Jenkins from his bonds, and that was when he noticed the horrible  
  
smell emitted from the large wedge of cheese now lying on the ground. He also noticed that Robert and thug number  
  
one were both wearing nose-filters. "No wonder," he said, "you," he pointed to Robert, who was cowering on the  
  
ground, "What the hell were you doing to him?" Robert shrugged,  
  
"Hell we were just trying to bribe some answers out of him, thought you guys loved that junk-" he was cut  
  
off by thug number one, who was recovering from a bloody nose.  
  
"Shut up moron, you'll reveal-" The Chief gave him another bloody nose to recover from, pulled Jenkins  
  
up, and left the room.  
"Thanks Chief," said Jenkins, as they approached the door, " That shit stunk. What the hell is going on-"  
  
Jenkins was interrupted by the crack of The Chief punching the first of the incoming gun toting guards as he exited  
  
the room. He then quickly grabbed the guard's gun and shot the next one in line square in the chest. Three more  
  
guards fell as the Chief and Jenkins exited the room.  
  
"You certainly sound better." Said the Chief grumpily; he still had a splitting headache.  
  
"Yea, 'cept all I remember is who you are." Said Jenkins matter-o- factly.  
  
"Wonderful, it's probably a side effect of the darts Jenkins." Said the Chief.  
  
"Damn it, my name is Jenkins.I sound like a faggot." Whined Jenkins. The Chief sighed and continued  
  
forward down the hallway. When they were about 20 feet down, Robert and thug number one both emerged from  
  
Jenkins's interrogation room, both toting sniper rifles. The Chief sighed, and quickly shot thug number one in the  
  
forehead.  
  
"Holy shit Will are you alright man?" cried Robert. "Hey you rat bastar-" Robert's insults were cut short as  
  
a dart penetrated his thigh.  
  
"OW FUCK!" cried Robert as he fell over and began twitching. The Chief immediately continued down the  
  
hallway, and soon he and Jenkins came to an elevator at the end of the brightly lit hallway.  
  
"What the hell is this thing?" asked Jenkins as he saw the elevator up close. The Chief sighed, opened the  
  
doors, and pushed Jenkins in. There was an eerie silence as the elevator rose through the various levels of what was  
  
now seeming to Chief to be an underground complex.  
"So Chief, my names Jenkins.what exactly do I do? All I know is you're a retired SPARTAN who  
  
became an underdog cop constantly persecuted by those who-"  
  
"Christ Jenkins don't remind me, all you need to know is your memory is gone, and if you don't stick close  
  
to me, chances are you will be caught. Understand?"  
  
"Oh ok.where are we?"  
  
"Jenkins." said Chief in a warning tone. Jenkins was silenced. About 3 floors later, the elevator halted  
  
suddenly.  
"What's going on Chief?" cried Jenkins, petrified.  
  
"Stay calm Jenkins, I think they've cut power to the elevators." Said Chief. He had though it might come to  
  
this. He glanced at the floor numbers. They were currently on floor 47, floor 50 being the top and 0 being the  
  
bottom. "Good we're close, let's move Jenkins." Said Chief as he pried open the doors with little effort. He didn't  
  
exactly expect to see what he saw.  
  
"Shit!" 


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
  
"Shit!" cried Jenkins. He may have lost his memory, but he knew what a grenade launcher looked like.  
  
"Chief he's got-" at that moment the Chief's patience cracked. Maybe it was his splitting headache, maybe it was  
  
his old age, or maybe he just wasn't the highly disciplined and well- trained Spartan he had been a decade ago. The  
  
Master Chief elbowed Jenkins in the temple and thought nothing of it - Jenkins slumped to the floor. At the same  
  
time, The Chief delivered a swift punch to the barrel of the grenade launcher pointed at his chest, and it bounced off  
  
of a wall in the narrow, well light, white hallway beyond the elevator. He then delivered a not-so-swift punch to take  
  
out the guns owner. He was truly surprised to find that his fist made contact with air. He was even more surprised to  
  
find that he had just been punched in the stomach. If he had been ten years younger he would have reacted to the  
  
situation twice as quickly. But he was so surprised at his opponent's speed that he was punched again, and then a  
  
third time. But this wasn't a tranquilizer to the back of the neck, and the Chief dodged his opponent's next punch  
  
and brought his fist down upon the man's head. The Chief was surprised a third time to see that his opponent did not  
  
go down, but instead struggled up. The Chief delivered another blow to the man's head, who finally collapsed.  
  
Immediately the Chief hauled the man up and put him into a firm headlock. The man was too tenacious for his own  
  
good though, and he struggled furiously.  
  
"Stand still damn it, I'm not trying to hurt you." Said the Chief in a voice harsher than he meant. The man  
  
stopped struggling and listened.  
  
"Thank you. Now I'd like to know why I was taken hostage." The man was silent for a few seconds and  
  
then said,  
  
"Wait, you don't sound Canadian."  
  
"Thanks for noticing." Said the Chief in an agitated voice. "It's because I'm not Canadian, so if that's the  
  
reason I was captured, you and your friends were seriously mistaken." He released the man from his headlock and  
  
stood back - big mistake. The man threw a punch, but the Chief was ready and he quickly put the man back into the  
  
headlock. The man immediately began to rant.  
"Hah! Id you really think I would fall for that? Just because you don't sound Canadian dosen't mean you  
  
aren't-" The Chief tightened his grip on the man and began to walk - he knew the man was stalling for  
  
reinforcements.  
  
"I am telling you, I'm not Canadian, and I have no idea what leads you to believe that." Said the Chief as a  
  
hauled the man past various doors and took a left on a fork in the hall.  
  
"Bullshit, you were seen at a Canadian Circus yesterday evening - we have surveillance of it." The Chief  
  
actually smiled at this information.  
  
"So you've been watching me? Good, you can tell me what I've been up to the last twenty-four hours,  
  
because I don't remember a damn thing." The Chief suddenly found himself in a very large room resembling a mess  
  
hall; he also noticed many dark clad figures emerging from doors all around him. Despite this, and a steadily  
  
worsening headache he continued to talk to his captive.  
  
"Look, isn't there some test you could give me, to prove I'm not Canadian?"  
  
"Hah! For a Canadian scumbag, you are pretty smart. We do have a test actually. But I'm positive it will  
  
only confirm my beliefs. Oi Johnson, go fetch me.the test." The Chief's captive called out to a certain man  
  
position behind a table, holding the same sniper rifle-type weapon all the others had. He immediately left the  
  
cafeteria, apparently off to fetch the test." The Chief spent the next minute or so sizing up the situation. There were  
  
47 armed men and women all pointing sniper rifles in his general direction. The Chief noticed that not many of them  
  
really knew what they were doing.He was dealing with amateurs. Just then, Johnson burst through the double  
  
doors he had from which he had exited the room. He was carrying a large black briefcase, which he finally set down  
  
on a table before the Chief. Apparently very pleased with his work so far, the man then took several boards out of  
  
the case, and removed the top one from the pile.  
  
"Alright - to pass the test, you must get each of these multiple choice questions right. If you succeed, we  
  
will know that you are not Canadian." The Chief raised his eyebrow as Johnson flipped the board to face the chief.  
  
There were three pictures on the board. And although the Chief did not know who anyone in the pictures were, here  
  
is their description. On the left, was a picture of Celine Dion, in the middle, Brittany Spears, and on the right,  
  
Woopie Goldberg.  
  
"Which of these women do you feel attracted to most?" asked Johnson. The Chief thought for a moment.  
  
He had never been in a relationship, but he knew that there was something wrong with the woman on the left, and  
  
the woman in the middle didn't feel right - almost fake. He settled with the smiling black woman on the right.  
  
Johnson frowned, but said,  
  
" Odd choice, but correct. You still have two more questions though." He took out the next board, which  
  
had three more pictures on it. On the right, was a picture of a Can of a popular soft drink, in the middle was a picture  
  
of a large block of cheese - reminiscent to the one that he had seen Jenkins being tortured with. He suddenly  
  
remembered Jenkins, and wondered were the hell he was, he didn't have time to brood on the subject though,  
  
because he then noticed that he was being timed. The picture on the right was of a large juicy looking hamburger.  
  
" Which of these would you prefer?" asked Johnson. The Chief went with the hamburger. soft drinks  
  
rotted your bones, and that piece of cheese looked revolting.  
  
"Correct, but don't get cocky, no Canadian could pass this last test." He took the last board, which was  
  
significantly smaller than the other two, and tossed it over to The Chief. He caught it with his free hand and saw that  
  
it was some kind of scratch and sniff. " I want you to sniff the left square first." The Chief complied, and was  
  
greeted with the tranquil scent of a lovely field of roses. Johnson seemed to be noting his facial expressions. " Now  
  
the middle one." The Chief was this time greeted with the convincingly accurate smell of fresh fish. "And now the  
  
right one" said Johnson with a noticeably dark tone. The Chief sniffed - cautiously, and almost fainted.  
  
"Shit!" 


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
  
"Shit!" said the unfortunate soldier who had been hit by the Chief's hastily flung scratch and sniff card.  
  
"Jesus Christ what the hell was that?" cried the Chief, holding his nose.  
  
"Cheese.the foulest type of Canadian cheese in existence." Said Johnson, " Well sir, he passed the test,  
  
what should we do?" Johnson was directing his question towards the Chief's captive. He frowned.  
  
"Well.he's definitely not Canadian." Everyone in the rooms lowered their weapons, and the Chief  
  
released his captive. Who turned and eyed the Chief warily. "So if you're not Canadian, what were you doing with  
  
them?"  
"I was hoping you could tell me." Said the Chief. "I can't remember a damn thing I've done in the last  
  
twenty-four hours. I- wait. Where is Jenkins?"  
  
Jenkins was one very scared police officer. After recovering from a mysterious blow to the head, he had  
  
found himself still inside the "elevator". Apparently, the power had been reactivated, because he was now on the  
  
50th floor. The elevator had just recently stopped, and the door was beginning to close. Jenkins didn't feel like  
  
staying in the confined space any longer, so he slipped out. He was now in a narrow, dark hallway, with a single  
  
door at the far end. He walked hastily down the hallway and opened the door, and emerged into a well-lit room -  
  
only it wasn't lit artificially. Sunlight streamed into the room through two large double-paned windows, and small  
  
shadows created by the snow falling outside fluctuated constantly on the floor. Jenkins eyes darted around the room  
  
- completely empty, save a small sign on one of the windows that Jenkins was unable to read because it was facing  
  
outwards. He strolled across the room and exited via a white door between the two windows. He shivered  
  
involuntarily as he walked into the snow. Around him was the bustling metropolis that even five hundred years in  
  
the future is still known as the big apple. Nearly every building was of the skyscraper class, and Jenkins - who had  
  
no Idea, were he was, stood there for a full minute - stupefied. He immediately decided he like it better inside, and  
  
turned to open the door behind him. It was locked. He shivered and sat down next to the door - hoping that someone  
  
- preferably the Chief, would open it soon. People out for their daily walks or who were walking to work eyed him  
  
curiously - and for good reason. He was a middle-aged man sitting outside an empty building with only a mildly  
  
warm windbreaker on - in the middle of December. Jenkins sighed.  
  
"Jenkins?" said the Chief's captive quizzically.  
  
"Yes my partner - the man you captured along with me." Said the Chief. His captive frowned, and then  
  
suddenly seemed to realize something.  
  
"Oh of course. You're not Canadians, so we obviously had your names wrong. When you were with the  
  
Canadians - they referred to you as Jean-Claude, and your friend as - hey, could you please release me?" The Chief  
  
immediately released his captive from his grasp. "Thanks. Anyway, I believe your friend is - hey, I didn't catch  
  
you're name." The Chief winced in impatience, but said,  
  
"Call me Chief - I don't like giving my real name out to people."  
  
"Alright, my name's Grif." The young man attempted to initiate a handshake, but seeing the Master Chief's  
  
impatience, stopped. "Er, about your friend. I believe he is back at the elevator. You sort of knocked him out."  
  
Jenkins mumbled a hasty "thanks" as the fourth person to do so gave him some spare change. He was  
  
getting colder and more tired by the minute - of which ten or fifteen had passed since he had first sat down. He was  
  
about to give up waiting and find an alternate shelter when he heard someone exclaim,  
  
"Shit!" 


End file.
